Saturday, April 28, 2007
Life just suck!! seriously, I feel like strangling myself to death right now, if that was ever possible. I was stood up today, by who know who. So much so I was delighted that she booked a whole day for me after that seriously "F"ed up day. My goodness I was so wrong. i slept for four hours after coming back from the archery trials. So, I thought that maybe a missed call would be on my phone or an sms to get me excited. No, nothing, nothing at all. "Alright", I thought to myself. It could be that she is still outside with the event still on....Six in the evening, but there was no news of anything at all. Well, I got impatient and I phoned Lynn up to see whether they were still at the event, only to hear Lynn's sleepy voice answering the phone. Curious, I asked her what time she finished, she said 9am! Dumbfounded I was, I could not find the words to say, only a thank you.
There I sat on my sofa gazing at the blank wall above me, should I go cycling? Or should I just wait? Common sense would tell me to go cycling for being stood up the whole day, but idiotcracy made me wait, only to get hurt.....
I was lying on my bed now when my mum came in, I told her about what happened yesterday, and she told me off, that I was a saddist and I always liked to get hurt. I never like getting hurt, I never did....
I received her call and I immediately picked up the phone, and then she said she was going out with her family for dinner. Once more stunned, it's alright if you overslept, but you are going to stand me up after you wake up?! I had nothing to say again, just a bye!
I think to myself, what's the point anymore, I only get pushed away and called back like how an owner would call his dog, which always comes. I left my phone on the bed and had dinner with my parents, only to come back with three missed calls from her. I called back, she was bathing, then she called me back.
Now, she still could ask me if I was angry at her, I said if there was a need to ask. I was not practically listening to whatever she was saying because my mood had been practically crushed after that dinner she had. People do not remember the good parts, only the worst parts. "you are not so important to me." was what came out of her mouth. I do not mind being third place in her life. Did you have to say that I was not so important?!! After all this time for being there for you, I am not so important to you afterall, just being used for cheering you up when you are down, only when you are happy that I'm pushed to one side. I'm tired, tired of all this nonsense, tired for being second best, third best! Tired of you! I pray to God that maybe he should give me an easier path to end my suffering, allow me to kill myself without going to hell, which is however, impossible. Back to the conversation, I was silent, she asked me if I was there, I said I was, then she asked me how come I went silent, I said there was nothing more to say.
She then said I don't feel like talking to you, then I said neither do I, she said goodbye, I said go ahead, and then the phone line went dead. It's 15 minutes passed 12 and I see no call, I shall not call back, no I won't.
It's the hour where words are not spoken and sorry is being said too much. Where I love you's has become a common language and where phone calls are not being missed. It's the moment where fights and quarrels become to common that they are part of everyday life, and when somehow you don't feel wanted but you feel needed. It's time when maybe I should take that splinter off my ankle and walk to wherever life takes me, it's just a notion, I'm still in the midst of thinking....
Love sucks....
Admit it.....
signing out,
Broken