staring at the glass infront of me, is it half empty

Monday, April 30, 2007

Misconception of a broken heart

All that was wrong is right. I'm a happy little boy. Whatever that happened were just all part of mass comm's, commuinication breakdown. I think I need more time understanding my girlfriend more, and maybe give her some free space, free time, she needs space. So in conclusion, I think I'm fine.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Nothing happened today, which makes me confused whether I'm happy or sad. Happy because I don't feel stressed or sad because it's slowly fading away, I can feel it coming, I don't know how.

I would like to thank everyone who has given me opinions, comforts, scoldings and lectures about this matter. Felt happy to know that even if there is one not there for me, I still have many, thanks:)

signing out,
happy

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Life just suck!! seriously, I feel like strangling myself to death right now, if that was ever possible. I was stood up today, by who know who. So much so I was delighted that she booked a whole day for me after that seriously "F"ed up day. My goodness I was so wrong. i slept for four hours after coming back from the archery trials. So, I thought that maybe a missed call would be on my phone or an sms to get me excited. No, nothing, nothing at all. "Alright", I thought to myself. It could be that she is still outside with the event still on....

Six in the evening, but there was no news of anything at all. Well, I got impatient and I phoned Lynn up to see whether they were still at the event, only to hear Lynn's sleepy voice answering the phone. Curious, I asked her what time she finished, she said 9am! Dumbfounded I was, I could not find the words to say, only a thank you.

There I sat on my sofa gazing at the blank wall above me, should I go cycling? Or should I just wait? Common sense would tell me to go cycling for being stood up the whole day, but idiotcracy made me wait, only to get hurt.....

I was lying on my bed now when my mum came in, I told her about what happened yesterday, and she told me off, that I was a saddist and I always liked to get hurt. I never like getting hurt, I never did....

I received her call and I immediately picked up the phone, and then she said she was going out with her family for dinner. Once more stunned, it's alright if you overslept, but you are going to stand me up after you wake up?! I had nothing to say again, just a bye!

I think to myself, what's the point anymore, I only get pushed away and called back like how an owner would call his dog, which always comes. I left my phone on the bed and had dinner with my parents, only to come back with three missed calls from her. I called back, she was bathing, then she called me back.

Now, she still could ask me if I was angry at her, I said if there was a need to ask. I was not practically listening to whatever she was saying because my mood had been practically crushed after that dinner she had. People do not remember the good parts, only the worst parts. "you are not so important to me." was what came out of her mouth. I do not mind being third place in her life. Did you have to say that I was not so important?!! After all this time for being there for you, I am not so important to you afterall, just being used for cheering you up when you are down, only when you are happy that I'm pushed to one side. I'm tired, tired of all this nonsense, tired for being second best, third best! Tired of you! I pray to God that maybe he should give me an easier path to end my suffering, allow me to kill myself without going to hell, which is however, impossible. Back to the conversation, I was silent, she asked me if I was there, I said I was, then she asked me how come I went silent, I said there was nothing more to say.

She then said I don't feel like talking to you, then I said neither do I, she said goodbye, I said go ahead, and then the phone line went dead. It's 15 minutes passed 12 and I see no call, I shall not call back, no I won't.

It's the hour where words are not spoken and sorry is being said too much. Where I love you's has become a common language and where phone calls are not being missed. It's the moment where fights and quarrels become to common that they are part of everyday life, and when somehow you don't feel wanted but you feel needed. It's time when maybe I should take that splinter off my ankle and walk to wherever life takes me, it's just a notion, I'm still in the midst of thinking....

Love sucks....
Admit it.....

signing out,
Broken

Friday, April 27, 2007

Currently suffering from moodless morning disorder, I just got back from archery with a nice whack mark from the string of the bow. Internal bleeding. Cute huh, my right arm by the oven, my left with the bow. I think by the end of the year, I will have marks all over my body already.

I did not sleep well last night, because though I thought my day would end with a good night's rest. She called me around 1am, saying that she will,"see how" about today's outing. The word"see how" is equivilant to "can't go out". I'm there for you when you are sad and when you felt that the whole world abandoned you, but when the world accepts you back, I don't see where I belong in your heart. You told me last afternoon that whether or not you were tired, you would still go out with me, however I think it's only because you were sober, that's why your words didn't count.

If taking the inicietive to come down from tampines all the way to republic to the door step of your class to suprise you was not enough, I don't know what will be. It's not about the big bears or the coucple rings that matters, it's about the committment to be always there for each other when the other party is in need. I know I'm not rich to get you a big bear or maybe a room full of roses, I have the sincerity to come down and give you a suprise. If your mind is full of materialism, I have nothing more to say. Because disappointment is what I feel in myself, for not changing the person to becoming the ideal one.

Life just suck....
Admit it.....

I'm waiting for your call I'm sick, I'm angry and I'm desperate for your voice and currently listening to the song we used to sing. It's 5 minutes passed her birthday and I think she is way way busy with her birthday stuff.

Today was a day of tear shedding. I shed tears today, I will not brag about why I shed tears. I was just really sad today, I was trying too much to put up a strong front but I could not hold back my tears. Today is just a real fucked up day which ended of with a great ending. I chatted with cute girl Brenda and she really brightened my night?!?! She is a really fun girl to chat with too....I supposed she is not afraid of the keyboard(:Not trying to be sarcastic hor!!!

Just to make it clear to the rest of you readers that I do not have feelings for her! If anyone of you would mis-interpret me! I like her yeah, really sweet girl(:

Thanks Girl!

sigining out
Iman

Thursday, April 26, 2007

My day was super fun today until it ended off with a rough CRASH!!! Let's rewind and start from the beginning of my day.

The start of the day was terrible because I had only 5 hours of sleep from playing counter strike with fard since last night. I was still wondering whether I should come for the Dj talk or just lay back at home. Instincts told me that I should go so I did.

The Dj talk was quite boring though. The exciting part is just round the corner. The Dj talk ended and we were outside the lecture theatre discussing whether should we go for bowling and pool at Safra. Beside our click was Bhavna, Vanessa, Kay and a pretty girl called Brenda, which I met before but I forgot her name. I asked them to join us along and the circle got bigger when I bumped into Amelia was it her name, yeah and then it grew from 4 people to 11 people. We finished our lunch and all met up at Safra. I started off witha round of pool with this guy I knew at primary school but I kinda forgot his name. He was really stuck up and all and he asked if he could play with me, I was like ok? and then I told him I was really lousy at pool, then he was like trying to act as though he was the best, and then I trashed him 3 balls leaving on the table. I think his ego went from heaven to hell. I did not want to play with him after that.

Then I went over to join the rest at the bowling lane. I really sucked at bowling but miraculously I could score strikes and spares just by using brute strength. I won the first game but lost the second. Brenda was kinda cute, I think she was afraid of the bowling ball then the bowling ball is afraid of her. Anyway, she somehow was my jynx and lucky charm at the same time. When we throw at the same time, I would score the drain and she would score the strike, but when she said that you could do it and when she encourages me, I somehow managed to yeah, score strike.

After that, we all sat down and talked about religion matters. From moulmeins to Catholics to protestants to Jewish to I don know what! I didn't get half the conversation because everyone was shooting their views on this and that. I seriously feel what Singaporeans say, "extra" because I did not fit in the debates and bitching conversation. It is because I take my life easy and work one step at a time and not planning a few days before the thing happens.

After that, we all played pool together and it was really funny and cute that Brenda had chalk on her cheek. I think she was afraid of the balls too. At the end of the day, we all exchanged number and went home smiling ear to ear. Now, here is the crash landing part. I wanted to call my girlfriend at 12am and tell her happy birthday, i overslept though and called her at 1230am. I was the 6th person to call because she told me to call back but she did not and left me waiting for like 5 mins? It's ok. Even when I called back, I did something wrong, her charger somehow snapped and I have to pay for it. What a way to say happy birthday. I still said it after that. I was the 6th person. I asked her to spend some time with me tml. However, I was practically too insignificant to be place in a appointment list on her birthday. She finishes school at 4pm, then meets her friends at night, then meets her family after that. I thought the midnight shift was available......It was not! She had this amazing race thing the next morning and she wanted to sleep over and Lynn's place.That was how insignificant I was, I seriously think I'm being ill-treated over here. Even the midnight shift you do not want to give me?! Then out of pity, she decided to give me an hour to go over to her place and pick her up from school then send her back. That was all! I felt so bad and my ego was crushed totally. Then this is that part where she says all the I love yous and I miss yous and sorrys. Words are only words, action performs louder than words. I don't know. If I'm such unappreciated and only appreciated when she is down. I do not see the reason why I staying, why I'm being your cloud to fall on when you have fallen from the stars. I feel that I'm just second best, like leftover salad or something like that.That was how I felt. Summarise everything in one word," SAD"

I need my lollipop again,however I'm coughing.....

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

To start of with, I already started meddling around with Adobe Photoshop CS already, it's essential for my course topic called ASS Gra (essential graphics). To keep you all updated, it's 2.35am right now, I just finished an intensive 3 hours counter strike game with my secondary school friends, and fard is over here staying for the night. It was CCA orientation thingy today, I signed up for archery and music vox so far, I will be signing up for soccer and dance maybe, I don't know. Did not do too much today, only watching Euro trip inside the library on my laptop. I've watched that show for about a dozen times already. But steph and dezere(I don't know how to spell your name) have not watched the show. Me, Fard & Wayne apparently bored I guessed. I have another 9 more hours before I attend the Dj talk shit at Tp later on.

Signing out,
Iman

Monday, April 23, 2007

A friend called lollipop

Lollipop, what I decided to call my friend. Well, lollipop isn't exactly a human being, it's what everyone calls, a lollipop. I take a pepsi cola lollipop or green apple flavoured lollipop to cheer me up when I'm sad, to comfort me when I'm in doubt.

I will go into more detail about my friend, lollipop. I met lollipop around three years back into space and time. It was on an oridinary day when I met lollipop, at the beginning of spring and on a perfect setting of my secondary school.

I was with my buddy, Hirfie, when I met lollipop, Hirfie introduced me to Lollipop, green apple was Lollipop flavour at that time, new and green-horned. I did not find Lollipop of any special at that time, because I was blinded by the joy around me.

It was only untill that joy was taken away from me that I found Lollipop to be a special thing to me. Lollipop was always there to cheer me up when my days are blue, when my sky is grey and when rain was pattering on my head. No matter rain or shine, Lollipop was always there, a vending machine away. Funny how a simple lollipop can make me see the colours of the rainbow after the storm.

I was so into lollipop at that time. However, Lollipop and I didn't work out because I wanted Lollipop so much, I got my mouth filled with ulcers and pain and agony and saddness. I did not want to suck green appled Lollipops for some time. I did not want to find Lollipop because either I would not enjoy it's taste or got hurt by my ulcers.

Two years have passed, I sort of missed the green appled lollipop. I went down to the vendor once more, only to see that the lollipop company produced a new flavour, green apple and blackberry flavoured lollipop. Lollipop was attached with another flavour. Anyway, I still stood with my decision and decided to take the good old Lollipop out for a walk, to pour my woes and share my agony, the sugar sweetness that comes from Lollipop once again makes my day brighter and the air fresher once more.

Until today, Lollipop, my dear friend, has never abandoned me when I'm down. Whenever I'm down, I will purchase a green appled flavour lollipop and enjoy with Lollipop whenever I'm with Lollipop, and I never fail going back home with a smile on my face.

My Lollipop

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Today was practically one of the most boring days I have ever had. I met my girlfriend in the morning, we did had some fun at mac and walking around, but other than that, all SLeep!!! So fucking boring...going back to sleep now....ZzZzZzZz....

Friday, April 20, 2007

Business OI! Champions once again, again. Today was the last day of the freshman orientation camp. It rocked! It was the start of the day... and I was late! Why? Xinyi just did'nt know where auditoria 1 was, when it was actually infront of the bus stop. When i reached Lt22, there were no M sizes for me therefore I had to wear L. We carried on with some team bonding activties and then we heard our course manager, Mr, D(Daryl David) giving us some insights on what we are going to study. He did had a certain level of ego though, the other Iman was saying.

Anyway, after the talk we had a reception orshould I call it brunch break. It was really cheap skate. Olympians gathered later together for a dicussion and we went for the tournament. The first item was the Sarong Party Gallop a.k.a Sarong Party Girl game. We played the wild card because we had very much alot of confidence in that game however, one silly mistake and we fell to third place.

The stress level was gaining on the second team of business people. The second item was called " Save the Bomb". The tossing was alright for my side, only dropping about four water bags, however, the attempt was unsucessful to make ourselves catch up.

The third game was the six people on a plank thingy I forgot what was the event. We practically lost that event...LAST! Not by a nose, by a lap! Holy cow, I did not know what was happening. Beaten was our self-esteem, we were totally lost for our next game.

Ong Lai, a friendly gangster, was the one who brought the team's spirit up. The next event was the chair game. Ong Lai was the one who brought the whole team together and made our team win first.

It all depended on the last game which will bring our team to thirrd place. We started of with a rough start, throwing the ball everywhere. I decided, everyone come to the front. Me and a friend of mine started passing the ball very quickly, in the end we won first and so we jumped to third place.

AT the end of the day, business won first, again, once again. Engine school was so demoralised. However they keep on cheering, " we will win the war, we will win the war." Then I shouted, " we have won the war, we have won the war." Hundreds of engine people shut up!

hahahahah!!!!

Jam and hop at night was totally rocking!! Those who went for jam and hop will know how fun it was. Alright stopping here, and I can't wait for school on Monday.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Today was my last day at work. It rocks! It's not that the people there are not nice or they treat me bad. It's just that the travelling time is too long. 1 1/2 hours to reach my work place? That's just mental yeah.

It was my last day at work, which left me an everlasting impression on the place. Permanent I guess, let me tell you my grandfather story. I was in the kitchen waiting for the next main course to come out. Suddenly, chef reminded me that my bread was still inside the oven. I pulled the lever and used a pair of tongs to reach my hand into the oven. The tray of bread slices was quite deep inside the oven, however my tongs was short. Without hesitation, I reached for the tray of bread.

I did not realise that lid of the oven was burning my arm, until chef told me, "Eh! your hand!!"
There was a seafood pizza inside, therefore the temperature for the oven must be 250 degress celcius. 250 degrees of heat was touching against my skin without me realising until the chef told me off! An obvious red line immediatedly formed the moment I left my arm of the lid. The whole arm started swelling up for a moment. The feeling was sort of undescribable. It was feeling a little itchy but burning at the same time. An ever lasting event to make me remember my first scar on my right arm.

I went over to my girl's house after that, she was sick. Had to be there for her. My arm was hurting all the way until I received "The Kiss of Heal". ahaha....

Now apparently that red line has truned black, and I should go to bed too..
Iman, OUT!

Monday, April 16, 2007

Where was I yesterday, I think it was the end of the first night? Alright I shall continue from there. Feeling tired and restless, me and nazirul continued to carry out the event lost island and apparently, every group who came to us actually got lost finding us..

Anyway, most of the time I was giving sweets to the girls group who were good and the rest of the time was spent on making the boys think of their campfire cheer, how evil can I be. The hours drew nearer as the sec 1 groups were busily preparing for the campfire.

The hour for campfire reached, we asked the sec1's to carry the benches and place it into a circle round the fire, and even before the campfire started, people already got into a fight. How idiotic could they be, they tried to be fierce but not fierce enough. My senior, Amin, wrestled the guy down hard onto the floor with his face right smack onto the ground, cry already. He had such guts to pick a fight but cried when was slammed onto the floor. Poor fellow.

The campfire went on and it was really fun. 2 hours had passed and the campfire drew to an end. We carried on by watching eight below, lame show about 8 poor little siberian huskies running about the ice. By the time the movie ended, almost all the sec 1's had fallen asleep on the ground. And when night snack was announced, everyone suddenly felt so enegetic. Most went to sleep other asked for curry puffs. By the time they slept it was 1230am already. After that, still got mass debrief, my god I hate debriefs, everyone had to have a short speech about how they felt about today, LAME! By the time that finished, 2 am already. Went to sleep around 5am, then woke up at 7am.

This time I was already dead beat. I shall just fast forward the whole thing alright? Campers went home and we had lots of fun.

The End

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sec 1 camp rocks!! Although I only slept for 4 hours out of 48 hours, but I met alot of new friends especially the sec 1's. Some of them were tiny, which made them look so cute! There was a guy who thinks he like the next sharu khan or something. He is only about 145cm tall, and he wears this very cheap looking white sun glass, and he loves to dance. There were also some girls who look pretty too, those kind where you can see them very beautiful when they are sec 3.

Anyway the start of the camp was fun, I had pringles, oreos, sweets of all kind, bubble gums, chewing gums, gums gums gums, all confiscated from the sec ones. I took it from the guys, and it was a garbage bag full of sweets. The rest of the day was boring until the night walk. There were really girls who were scared, and I was not the one who scared them, my friend sufi and zayd did. In the end, something scared them in the end. ahaha.

The stars were facinating at the giant field at the end of the night walk. I do love very much to count the stars and think about my life. Time seem to just stop when you are staring at the stars, time flies, no worries and no pain.

Now I know why people say,"The night is long." It was hell long! Because of one nonsensical de brief. What seemed to be a debrief escalated all the way to becoming an arguement over stuff which actually did not matter! And so, the rest of the innocent instructors like me, were in the middle of a crossfire, a meaningless one, like Iraq and USA. The war lasted 4 hours. 12am to 4am. By the time when we want to sleep, the sun was rising from the horizon already. I had a total of 2 hours of sleep only!!!

Alright, I feel like stopping here, part one of the sec 1 camp story finished, part 2 coming up, after the break. I'm Iman and good night people.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I about to go for friday prayers now, but I decided to drop a little post just to keep the people around me updated. Things between me and her sort of cooled down already, I apologised. I did not know why. Thought of me and her meeting up today but apparently she was just too tired so she just fell asleep when she got back. Don't blame her.

I'm looking forward at what is installed for me later on, they say this year's sec 1 batch is a new breed, in other words, a new species of their own. I heard and saw a GAY in my ex school, I really do hate gays, they give me the creeps. I also heard that this year's batch of girls are really, er....I do not know what words to put in to make it sound nicer but here it goes, thicked-skinned.

I find that maybe going for this camp will not only make my circle of friends wider, but it also gives me some relaxation from the stressful world outside. It also gives me some time to rethink my life, and whether the choices I made were right. Maybe...just maybe.

Well, got to go now, will be posting again this Sunday, April 15th.

I decided to give it a try to on my phone and by chance it did turn on. I saw the msg are you alright? I decided to call back. When the phone was answered I heard laughters, happy voices and shouts. I really didnt want to spoil her mood or anything. Then I said you could go have fun with your friends. Then she just went bye! A simple BYE!

Then I said I really want to talk to you. Then she said "talk la". Those words were so full of attitude, but I maintain. I raised my voice a little and told her that you didn't even call me yesterday or left a message to say that you were sleeping. You should have told me with courtesy. She justs wants to break off from me. That's the main point. Then she said a simple,"I forgot?!" and laughed! How evil could you be, huh?! I went silent for a moment, too astounded by that remark. Where was that thing we once shared? I said sorrowfully," no la it's ok if you want to go have fun, go ahead." She just went fine bye! No don't hang up, I said let's talk nicely. She asked me where I was going, I said go drink kopi with kai. She said what? peepee?!?! Anger really filled me to the brim. I said coffee!!!! and she laughed. What's there to laugh when a person wants to drink coffee, do you een know the meaning when a guy tells you i want to go drink coffee?it's just another sentence for I'm sad I want to pour my sadness to another person...no! you did'nt even know the meaning behind it, thats it go play with your friends, and then the line went dead....

The sound of hanging up stormed my ears. Deafening was that tone of the hang up. I stood strong, and called back. She picked up with an irritated,"hello?" I said I just wanted to talk, please let's talk nicely. Now she said she wants to go play with her friends, and said that we could talk tommorow, I was so pissed I went ok go ahead, and the line went dead again.

Now God has finally been so good to me, it's raining now and I think He has granted me my wish. Perfect scenario, perfect atmosphere. It's raining cats and dogs and the sound of thunder is piercing and the flashes of lighting could'nt be brighter. I want to just walk in the rain, some may say this is so cliche but ya, walking in the rain helps me to cover my tears. So my dearest will see me happy.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Boiling point is so near, I could nearly see it. You did not call me today, I don't mind. You didn't leave a message neither did you give me a call in the morning, it nothing. But when I gave you a call to meet up, you practically said no?! yeah, I'm not so important to you anymore your friends are, they always have been, you don't love me no more, yet you want to torture me, squeeze me dry of whatever I possess.

I called you back again, you even dared asked me if I was alright?!!!!!wtf is wrong with your sick mentality! So I said that there was nothing wrong with me, and I just hung up, avoiding my top to blow, I msg kai for a game of pool and just threw my phone away. Not noticing that it just smashed, I do not know whether it is working now, I am going to play my time away, no more troubles no more pain, just you and me kai, I'm going to squeeze my money dry today....

My hopes on you are on a thread. I waited for your call, dying, eager to hear your voice. That call did not come. I was actually thinking maybe this love is just a one sided event, and I am that one sided guy, do you still love me? Why are you placing me under such pressure and agony again.

Two years ago, I was treated like shit. Is history going to repeat itself again? My trust for you is as thin as ice. Any moment if I were to step on it, it would just break and we would drown.

My temper for you now is like a powder cake, exploding upon provocation. I've changed, never going to be the one taking the blame, being the victim. Although I'm trying my best not to blow up, I think from today onwards, it's inevitable.

I woke up today, checking my inbox to see if there was a missed call or a message left behind. No, nothing, empty. Could it be that the book you told me to read is exactly coming true? That we would be head over hills in the beginning, quarrelling in the middle, and finishes of with nothing, nothing at all.

I sent you a text,"baby are you still asleep?". My hand phone vibrated, to only see a friend of mine asking me whether I'm free to go out today. Sadness filled my heart and pain clenched it, something I should not be feeling because I'm supposed to be the cool and ignorant one, am I turning soft? Or am I just breaking down.

How I wish I could turn back time, everyone would have wish for that. I guessed they will. Someone asked me," If you are given three wishes, what would it be?". Firstly, I want to have all the riches the world could ever give me. Secondly, I wish God would reserve me a spot in heaven, I don't mind where, even if it would to be under a tree. Lastly, to turn back time.
She was curious on why I had made that last wish, and I replied her with a sigh,"Then I would change my past mistakes, a choice, an O level answer, or a sentence to ignite our quarrels." She did not get it though, but it was alright.

Will you ever leave me? Are you going to betray me? Are you still in love with me? My hopes on you are on a thread, snapping any moment....

My day today....sucked!well, i was so bored at work but got asked around like a dog....nvm shall not talk bout that, I really wanted to show that special someone that I could be full of suprises, well, it just did'nt work out, that's still ok. Just as I thought things were going right as we walked up the stairs, turn off! we had a mid age man upgrading himself on this particular day....I thought I could properly say sorry to that person but there was never the right moment, the right ambience, the right situation. I tried my best to be sincere as possible by saying that I'm sorry for being an asshole today, but it just didn't come out right.

Well, at times I do wonder, if I have never met you, I would be perfectly fine today. In the end I had to go through the joys and the sorrows, the fears and the excitment, the thrills and the turn offs!!! My whole world revolves around you now! man I feel soo....confused...

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Well, what sort of turned out to be a bad day was in the end a good day, this is because yeah I got into a real big quarrel with my girlfriend till we were on the brink of breaking up, but now, we're cool. Today I watch freedom writers the movie, yeah it's quite a good show to watch, I rate it 6 out of 10 stars because the movie really reaches out to everyone's heart. Well whatever it is, I'm hitting the bunks for a good night's rest. good night!

Monday, April 9, 2007

This is the first time I'm doing a blog, reason is because I was sort of bored one day and decided to ask a friend of mine on MSN on how to do a blog. I'm really new to this blog thing, and I am really not so sure about the 'how to go about this whole blog thing'. Currently learning from a friend of mine who was once a blogger. Ok well, I'm going to stop here, going back to squeezing my brains out on how to go about this blog thing.